Remembering and Releasing the Pain

cryingwomanThe Advanced Maternal Age Project is about women sharing stories and resources so that we can provide great support for one another. It is through support and resources that we may overcome many barriers as we become mothers. Some of our stories are very sad and painful and even difficult to talk about. Time makes it easier to think about them and begin to make sense of it all.

This is one of those stories about a pregnancy and a loss. It is the hardest story to tell so far.

Elated about an engagement to a loving man, planning a wedding just a couple of months away, and the fact that I was turning 39, we made what felt like a logical choice to stop using birth control. One never knows how long it can take to conceive until one tries, was the conventional wisdom. I had read that it could take months to be fertile after being on the birth control pill. Our dream was to only wait months and not years for a child since we were older. We went on vacation and had a wonderful and relaxing time together.

That very first month, we conceived and we were thrilled with the possibility of having a child early in our marriage. The first weeks were easy, really easy with no morning sickness and no symptoms at all. Having never been pregnant, my tummy was fairly flat and I felt strong. No worries then and an exciting next stage ahead. We continued to plan our wedding and honeymoon, keeping our news a secret to all but our close family and very few friends.

Prenatal, genetic testing seemed like a logical choice for us and it was highly encouraged by our obstetrician since I was now 39 and my fiance was 47. Neither one of us had been tested before. Now we were going to test a tiny embryo.

[Read more…]